When Good People Try

Many people seem invested in being the hero of their own story. While it must be nice to have high self-esteem, this often involves obscuring events in ways that inhibit growth.

I have low self-esteem. I have thought of myself as a “bad person” for as long as I can remember. It's not a good feeling, but there is an honesty to it that I am growing to appreciate. We are all “bad people” some of the time. Having no illusions about this allows me to identify and correct some types of problems more quickly.

I have been struggling with an effort gap with my partner. Specifically, but not exclusively, in the bedroom. My partner often says that they “are trying”. In truth, they repeat the same ineffective patterns which appears (to me) to be low-effort.

However, a person who “phones in” their primary relationship and is unwilling/unable to interact effectively with their partner of 15 years would be “a bad person” and the internal hero story means my partner “could not be a bad person.” They are a good person, so, by definition, the trying must have been super hard. No further thought required.

I have been struggling with this relationship. Yesterday, I was depressed. I spent the day ruminating on “how am I going to make this [relationship] work [for my kids/partner]“. Perhaps seeing my low-mood, my partner made an effort to initiate sex. The effort replicated several unsuccessful strategies:

As has become customary when I am “not that into it”, I offered to get them off. I ate ass and used hands/vibrator on them for a half hour. At the very end, they asked me to use my dick, which I did. Partner cums. I was not into it, or really “having sex”. I was performing sex for them, which is it's own type of pleasure for me. It is wonderful to help a friend out.

Partner then offers to try to get me off. I stated, “I don't think it will work out (euphemism for cum), my head's not really in it, but it would feel nice”. Partner makes some effort to show they would try, “I can kiss you down there” (meaning blowjob, partner does not like sex-related words). I allow myself to get my hopes up a bit. Normally they cannot be arsed to do much after they've gotten off, but I don't want to discourage them from trying. Then partner says, “Oh, I'll take your word for it [that it's not going to work]“. Hope has left the chat. I counter with, “Why don't you set a timer for 5 minutes and we'll try”.

They provided a slow, sort-of blowjob. It's the same blowjob they have intermittently attempted for the last 15 years. It has a roughly 5% orgasm rate. It feels nice, but it is simply not very stimulating. The timer elapses, I inform that “It felt nice, but I was not close”. So we wrap it up. Partner “has tried”, but has repeated unsuccessful patterns which rarely work. This is status quo for us and a discussion we have had many times.

During follow-up cuddle, partner asks for feedback. This is unusual. I said that it felt nice, but the speed or intensity would have to increase for me to cum. They replied (instantly, words having barely left my mouth), “I do not think that's possible.” I guess it was a rhetorical question, or perhaps they were fishing for a complement?

I let it pass in the moment, but I was kept awake for a few hours with a bad case of the what-the-fucks. Previously in the day, my partner said they “wanted me to be happy”, but I feel like they are not aiming for that, but rather collecting participation ribbons. Minimum effort plausible deniability. There cannot be a problem, after all, a unit of sex happened and they were there. They are a good person, they tried!

— Comment on the fediverse @einodia@retro.pizza or search for @enodia@words.enodia.cc in your instance.